Cheesecake #2

The first thing I ever consciously decided to make and the first thing I wrote about on here was a cheesecake. It was a horrible, floury mess that hadn’t really set and it made me think that this whole idea was stupid and awful. Which, of course, it is - but that hasn’t stopped me so far. Since then as soon as anything starts to go even slightly wrong I am taken back to the dreadful moment I tasted that bloody cake and I have to take a deep, cleansing breath before I can carry on.

I am neither a very good nor very competent cook: I leave ingredients out by accident, my oven doesn’t work very well and I tend to leave stuff on the stove for too long while I finish a cigarette. However the last few things I have made have turned out at least half way decent and this has given me a bit of a confidence boost. Ready to face my nemesis I bought some cream cheese and rolled up my sleeves.

For blueberry cheesecake you need:
150g of blueberries
500g of low fat cream cheese
75g of unsalted butter
397g (one tin) of condensed milk
3 eggs
1 teaspoon of vanilla essence
The zest of one lemon
200g of digestive biscuits

To make the base you need to crush the biscuits. I think the best way to do this is to put them in a sandwich bag and break them up by hand. It’s probably easier to use a rolling pin but what could be better than an edible stress ball?

On a low heat melt the butter in a large pan but don’t let it get too hot. Pour in the digestive crumbs and stir it all up. It seems like a tiny amount of butter but you only need to dampen the biscuit bits to get them to stick together. Spoon the base into a shallow nine inch cake tin (or whatever size mine is) and press it down very firmly. I used a wooden spoon for this as you can get right against the edge and flatten it out. Shove this in the fridge for 20 minutes to chill. The one thing I’m not looking forward to about summer is being unable to shove things (beer) outside to keep cold when I need space in the fridge.

Heat the oven to 170°c/gas mark 3 and while your base is taking up valuable booze space in the fridge mix the cream cheese in a large bowl until it’s soft. This takes all of 30 seconds and after that whisk in the eggs, lemon zest, vanilla and condensed milk.

Condensed milk is one of the most horrible things I have ever seen. It looks like very sweet living room paint and it just oozes. I have no idea why it was ever invented. Yes it keeps for ever but God, why would you want it to?

At this point the first cheesecake I made was a thick, creamy mix that smelt exactly like something you’d get in a coffee shop (or with a pube in it from my local Co-op). This time I just had a slightly yellow cream. This worried me a bit but remembering how promising the last one seemed I pushed this to the back of my mind and kept whisking.

Pour this onto the base and scatter the blueberries over the top. I plopped mine in as I’m clearly easily amused and liked the way they bobbed. I used far fewer blueberries than 150g but looking back I probably should have used at least that as they are what sweetens it.

Put your cake in the oven for an hour, a tiny bit longer if it’s still not firm. When you take it out place it on a rack to cool and definitely put it in the fridge for a while.

Mine seemed rather sticky on top and I couldn’t get it out of the tin. Though this was down to my sheer incompetence rather than the cake. As I started to slice it - and badly scratch my cake tin in the process - the fear set in. My hand shook as I tipped a wedge onto a plate. I watched on tenterhooks as my mum took a bite. “Ooh. Tastes a lot like flour, doesn’t it?" she lied. As my face fell she cackled and proceeded to hoover up two large pieces.


If anyone would like to adopt me into a safe and loving home I would be very grateful.